Love Sacrificed

Is this woman who loves so shallowly the woman I have become… content to love just a bit… to give unconditionally as long as it has no power to disrupt my world? When did the boundaries go up… these walls that mute the heart song and tamp down the thundering love that once lived here? When did the fear of destruction overwhelm the fear of living in fear?

Did it begin when I realized that he would someday leave? Did I believe that a farewell of my own orchestration would be less painful or devastating… love sacrificed at the altar of control?

Losing something already surrendered is a moot point... a sword without an edge... a lie.

Before

She sits curled against me… this child who looks so much the woman… talking about snuggle time and how it used to be before… before she was supposed to be such an adult.

I savor the closeness… listening to her melody of words and memories… feeling the tug of my heart calling me to before… before I was supposed to be letting go.

She talks of the boy… reminiscing about how much simpler life was before… before her heart discovered the place where this boy fits and her soul can soar.

I hear the journey in her voice… from this moment of safety here in this place before… before she needed anything that I couldn’t give her… to this place of so much more than she imagined.

She lays her head on my shoulder… her warmth expanding to fill the empty places in the before… before the world became so big and unsettling.

I smile quietly… cherishing the moment… knowing that before… before will never be lost.

Sunshine

She feels the sunshine on her face. The warmth had called her from sleep. She pretends to still sleep, savoring the moment before the questions begin their march. Eyes held tightly closed, she imagines what it would be to live with this darkness forever… to feel the sunshine but never be bathed in its light… to never see the dancing of fireflies or the pink of cotton candy or the green of jade. This has been the fear the diagnosis brought… of all the possibilities the words multiple sclerosis thrust upon her… this loss of color was the one that consumed her days… that sent her manically collecting rainbows and absorbing sunsets, harvesting for the days of darkness.

She opens her eyes… and smiles into the sunshine of another day.

Six Sentences

Debut at Six Sentences today.... doing a happy dance!!

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Armor Abandoned

One by one, fingers removed the teardrop earrings, their sparkle catching the light as she laid them on the marble top of the dressing table… hands slipped to the nape of her neck, unclasping the pearls warmed by the touch of her skin. Slowly the pins were pulled from the classic updo that had whispered just the right note of elegance and shimmering hair fell to her shoulders. She stood, allowing the simple black sheath to slip silently to the floor…the mask she had hidden behind for this evening now a lifeless shadow. All these touches to manufacture the façade that they… all of them… expected from her.

The armor abandoned, her eyes slowly lifted to the mirror.

No one was there.

Linus Tells the Christmas Story

Adornments

As I wandered through my house this morning, looking at the beautiful decorations... the carefully decorated trees... the wreaths on doors and walls... the shimmering snowflakes hanging in windows... beautifully set dining room table... I was struck by how absolutely we... and I'm talking we as in my family and the royal 'we' as a society... have abandoned the true meaning of the season. Yes, I have an exquisite Italian nativity... but little thought goes into the meaning of each piece as they are carefully positioned in the most aesthetically pleasing arrangement. The infant...angled to best catch the flickering candlelight... has become merely an adornment.

The life-sucking list of herculean tasks to accomplish has obliterated the peace and contentment that should inherently accompany this space of time. I'm ashamed of myself... ashamed of the level of materialism and greed that have ambushed this season in my circle... ashamed that the acquiring has masked the joy of the greatest gift, freely given. I'm ashamed that I've bought into the mindset that says that when December 25th has passed, Christmas will be over.