(Guest Post by Craig Daniels)
Unmistakably clear, “Fanta Bananas, Fanta Bananas” rolled off the vendors tongue with a Latin flush, her rich lush delivery reaching me across the plaza. “Fanta Bananas, Fanta Bananas” she cried again and again hoping to pierce the self containment hovering over the crowd streaming into Fenway Park, this late spring afternoon.
Across Yawkee Way I watched the vendor repeatedly circle the stainless cart shouting “Fanta Bananas, Fanta Bananas,” for everyone to hear. What on earth was she selling I wondered, and equally perplexing, how would I ever cross the street. Thousands of people clogged the artery in front of me, pushing and jostling each other. I might be swept up in the baseball frenzy, never to be heard of again. Deciding to risk annihilation I stepped blindly into the crowd, and apologized my way across. People shoved me and groped me until finally, I stood face to face with the mysterious woman selling her mysterious wares.
“Fanta Bananas just for you,” she asked staring into my eyes, flashing me a look I felt in my gut. She paused, then deepening her gaze she continued, “they have a delightful flavor from the Fanta soda company.” I smiled at the sales pitch thinking if they were nearly as delightful as she was, I was in for a treat.
I was struck dumb for a moment by the feeling that I knew her, but dismissed the feeling and asked, “Can I get one in strawberry?” “One Fanta Banana with strawberry coming up” she said, and turned poking a banana on a stick deep into a red colored jar. After a few moments she pulled the banana out to reveal a wondrous sight, a deeply red gooey banana glistening like a jewel. The young vendor handed it to me while offering a bunch of napkins with her other hand.
It smelled of fresh strawberries, the fresh smell you only get in a strawberry patch. I bit into it slowly and let the syrup linger on my tongue. Beneath its glistening facade was a slightly gummy texture bursting with an earthy strawberry flavor, so darkly musty it became erotic. I reveled in all the nuances of flavor assaulting my mouth. I sucked and licked trying to extract as much flavor as possible, I didn't want its wicked sensations to end.
All the while I slurped the strawberry banana the young woman stood close to me with her eyes burrowing deeply inside me. She was probing, looking inside me, breaking down my walls, and I didn't care, I was transfixed on the exploding flavors themselves, warming me deeply from head to toe. She smiled.
“What do you think” she asked? “It was wonderful” I expressed while licking my lips hoping to find one last sticky drop to savor. It was then I noticed that the crowds were gone and only the young vendor and I were left in the street. The streets were deserted, no sounds, no roars or cheers came from the ballpark, the area was starkly empty. “What do you look for?” she said in a serious voice, “ people, where are all the people” I asked? “People,” she mocked my nervousness, “what people do you seek?” I really was nervous and started to move my feet up and down slowly getting ready to run, but I didn't run, instead I moved closer to her hoping to gain a physical advantage. “What's going on here and where are all the people” I asked again, while deepening my voice, letting her know I was serious.
Her eyes were pools of calm, inviting me to climb in, but her body was taught like a cat ready to spring upon it pray, I froze for a second and in that moment I lost any hope of gaining an advantage, she pounced, knocking me to the ground. Before I could get my bearings she was pressing her knees into my chest, her hands on either side of my head digging her fingers into my skull and with one quick jerk she turned my head to the left, forcing me to look directly into a swelling ocean wave thirty feet high about to crest, about to crush us both with its salty wall of water. I tried to scream, I tired to shake her off, but she held fast, urging me in repeated shouts to “look beyond the wall, look beyond the wall.” The water hit with a tremendous thump, roiling furiously at it smashed upon our bodies sucking us deep into a hot churning whirlpool of brackish salty sea, teaming with primordial life and, we were gone.
by Craig Daniels - flash fiction on the web
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Unreasonable Reason
You are the reason my heart beats … because somewhere in this universe your heart beats its own rhythm.
You are the reason I draw each breath … because it’s the same air you breathe, the same oxygen you draw into your being.
You are the reason I lift my face to the sun … because it is the same sun that bathes your world in light.
You are the reason I dream beneath the stars at night … because there I can touch you.
You are the reason I am never alone … because wherever I am, you are there.
You are the reason I wake each morning … because as long as there is another day, there is hope.
You are the reason I draw each breath … because it’s the same air you breathe, the same oxygen you draw into your being.
You are the reason I lift my face to the sun … because it is the same sun that bathes your world in light.
You are the reason I dream beneath the stars at night … because there I can touch you.
You are the reason I am never alone … because wherever I am, you are there.
You are the reason I wake each morning … because as long as there is another day, there is hope.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Dragon Snot
The tiny dragon – well, tiny in dragon speak at least - shuddered from head to toe, shaking his head and swishing his tail discontentedly. Emma, distracted from the orange she was peeling free of its aromatic skin, looked at him curiously, “Silly dragon, what’s wrong… you don’t look at all right.”
In just the nick of time, she ducked behind the tree she had been leaning against, as a giant stream of sticky spray and snot flew across the grass in her direction, the rumble shaking even the leaves above her.
“Of course I don’t look right – what’s right about a dragon with a cold?! I’m supposed to be flitting around the park, nibbling tasty tidbits and listening to the stories people tell … not sneezing and sniffling and suffering …” came the dragon’s plaintive wail.
“Oh, poor dragon … there, there … would you like some orange?”
In just the nick of time, she ducked behind the tree she had been leaning against, as a giant stream of sticky spray and snot flew across the grass in her direction, the rumble shaking even the leaves above her.
“Of course I don’t look right – what’s right about a dragon with a cold?! I’m supposed to be flitting around the park, nibbling tasty tidbits and listening to the stories people tell … not sneezing and sniffling and suffering …” came the dragon’s plaintive wail.
“Oh, poor dragon … there, there … would you like some orange?”
Monday, July 6, 2009
Ripple In The Wind
He walked through the door with a shuffle that echoed with uncertainty, as if even his feet were afraid to leave the sureness of the floor that grounded him. Rounded shoulders created a shield, protecting his heart… while a downcast gaze kept others from peering into his soul. The impeccably tailored suit fit perfectly, shoes boasted a black sheen, the hair curled slightly at just the right point on his collar… the packaging precisely correct. Slipping the elaborate smiling mask into place, he extended his hand, taking a glass from the passing tray and slipping into the blur, creating no disturbance at his entry.
After all, who would want to laugh with him, or flirtatiously straighten his tie, or cling to his every word… exchange a glance across the room? He was merely a shadow, a slight ripple in the wind… and had been since the day she went away.
After all, who would want to laugh with him, or flirtatiously straighten his tie, or cling to his every word… exchange a glance across the room? He was merely a shadow, a slight ripple in the wind… and had been since the day she went away.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Too Big
I'm borrowing a line from Tracy at Ordered Chaos today... and hoping she doesn't mind :)
"Yes, it's all about attitude (having a good one in the face of adversity), but it's also about changing the changeable, recognizing your limits, and letting go when something's gotten too big to hold on to..."
In my "I can do anything... I am invincible" everyday mode of living, it's difficult to allow myself to admit that anything's ever gotten too big to hold on to. Life hasn't always been a picnic... but I've always been a survivor. And I can only remember once in my life reaching the point that something was just too big for me... there was simply no answer but to walk away. Of course, me being me... that point took a long time to reach... much soul searching... a few major trips down Guilt Boulevard... and subjecting myself to more hurt and more pain than anyone should ever endure. But in looking back, I know unequivocally that walking away was the very best choice... and as a result my life has become one filled with peace and confidence again. There are no regrets.
Now once again, something is just too big. Not in an emotional sense... not in a practical sense... but it's just impossible for me to hold on to. No rights... no wrongs... just a series of circumstances that mean that something I would have otherwise held onto with all my strength is now completely out of my reach. It's not even about giving up... that would imply that I ever had it to begin with... it's just about not even being able to get my arms around it. This time there is no walking away... there's nothing to walk away from... and I'm not the one doing the walking. This time it's a letting go... and a determination to do that graciously and not having the first idea how to pull that off.
I want to be loving and supportive and gracious and accepting... and I pray for the strength and the wisdom to do that... because right now... today... I don't even know how to begin.
"Yes, it's all about attitude (having a good one in the face of adversity), but it's also about changing the changeable, recognizing your limits, and letting go when something's gotten too big to hold on to..."
In my "I can do anything... I am invincible" everyday mode of living, it's difficult to allow myself to admit that anything's ever gotten too big to hold on to. Life hasn't always been a picnic... but I've always been a survivor. And I can only remember once in my life reaching the point that something was just too big for me... there was simply no answer but to walk away. Of course, me being me... that point took a long time to reach... much soul searching... a few major trips down Guilt Boulevard... and subjecting myself to more hurt and more pain than anyone should ever endure. But in looking back, I know unequivocally that walking away was the very best choice... and as a result my life has become one filled with peace and confidence again. There are no regrets.
Now once again, something is just too big. Not in an emotional sense... not in a practical sense... but it's just impossible for me to hold on to. No rights... no wrongs... just a series of circumstances that mean that something I would have otherwise held onto with all my strength is now completely out of my reach. It's not even about giving up... that would imply that I ever had it to begin with... it's just about not even being able to get my arms around it. This time there is no walking away... there's nothing to walk away from... and I'm not the one doing the walking. This time it's a letting go... and a determination to do that graciously and not having the first idea how to pull that off.
I want to be loving and supportive and gracious and accepting... and I pray for the strength and the wisdom to do that... because right now... today... I don't even know how to begin.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Too Much Tenderness (Khalil Gibran)
"When love beckons to you follow him, Though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden. For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth......
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully."
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears. Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself."
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully."
— Khalil Gibran
Thursday, July 2, 2009
No Greater Value
I'm learning that so much of what I believe to just be normal, everyday habits or thought processes... well... apparently they really aren't. Sooooo... does that make me weird? Or silly? Or ridiculous? Maybe.
I was talking to a friend today about sentimental things that moms keep from their children's younger years. The friend's mother had saved all those things... locks of hair, first shoes, photos... but had stashed them away and they hadn't been seen in years. I've saved every imaginable thing from the day my kids had their first ultrasound pictures to last week. Difference is... their things are in boxes that are stashed where they're easy to get to. They drag them out and go through them every so often... and so do I. They're important memories... looking back over them... talking about the experiences... that makes us more of a unit. Every time we take those memories out and look at them, we add to their value.
Then the conversation went wandering... as conversations often do... and I mentioned that I had voice messages saved on my phones from everybody that was important in my life. I always make sure that at least one message from the handful of people I love most is there. The assumption was that I just saved them so I could go back and listen to them if I wanted to, but the reason goes much deeper than that. Most of the messages that I save include an "I love you" from that person... and life is too fragile to risk never being able to hear that again. There is no guarantee that there will be another phone call... or another "I love you"... so I treasure the ones I have. It seemed a very 'normal' thing for me... just something that I do as a matter of routine. To my surprise, it's not something everyone does.
As a child... or technically a 13 year old... I went off to school one morning secure in the sameness of my world. And I came home from school to learn that the daddy I had said "Goodbye" and "I love you" to that morning wasn't there anymore. A heart attack had taken him from my family at 40 years of age. I learned very early that there aren't any promises... that today... this moment is all we know we have... and any given moment could be the last as we know it. I've been blessed with so many wonderful bits of life... especially with people that are precious to me... and I don't want to miss a thing.
I still wander into my kids' rooms after they fall asleep and just watch them... so thankful that they are mine. I covet time with the people...family and friends...I love. I choose to arrange my life around them. I would sacrifice home, career, comfort... anything... for those people. There is nothing with greater value.
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Aerosmith
I was talking to a friend today about sentimental things that moms keep from their children's younger years. The friend's mother had saved all those things... locks of hair, first shoes, photos... but had stashed them away and they hadn't been seen in years. I've saved every imaginable thing from the day my kids had their first ultrasound pictures to last week. Difference is... their things are in boxes that are stashed where they're easy to get to. They drag them out and go through them every so often... and so do I. They're important memories... looking back over them... talking about the experiences... that makes us more of a unit. Every time we take those memories out and look at them, we add to their value.
Then the conversation went wandering... as conversations often do... and I mentioned that I had voice messages saved on my phones from everybody that was important in my life. I always make sure that at least one message from the handful of people I love most is there. The assumption was that I just saved them so I could go back and listen to them if I wanted to, but the reason goes much deeper than that. Most of the messages that I save include an "I love you" from that person... and life is too fragile to risk never being able to hear that again. There is no guarantee that there will be another phone call... or another "I love you"... so I treasure the ones I have. It seemed a very 'normal' thing for me... just something that I do as a matter of routine. To my surprise, it's not something everyone does.
As a child... or technically a 13 year old... I went off to school one morning secure in the sameness of my world. And I came home from school to learn that the daddy I had said "Goodbye" and "I love you" to that morning wasn't there anymore. A heart attack had taken him from my family at 40 years of age. I learned very early that there aren't any promises... that today... this moment is all we know we have... and any given moment could be the last as we know it. I've been blessed with so many wonderful bits of life... especially with people that are precious to me... and I don't want to miss a thing.
I still wander into my kids' rooms after they fall asleep and just watch them... so thankful that they are mine. I covet time with the people...family and friends...I love. I choose to arrange my life around them. I would sacrifice home, career, comfort... anything... for those people. There is nothing with greater value.
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time
Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing
Aerosmith
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Make Believe Brave
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?" - Nelson Mandela
"Make believe you're brave, and the trick will take you far. You may be as brave as you think you are" - from The King and I
I freely acknowledge that one of my greatest fears is that life will expect something of me that I don't want to do. At the same time, I trust my intuition to guide my life in the way that is best... and to always be guarding my well-being. But I know that sometimes that hurts.
Life gets very big sometimes... and choices get very difficult. Logic would say that confidence in the rightness of a decision would make it simple and easy. So often the opposite is true.
Today I am afraid that I am capable and strong and able to make the tough choices life calls for. My strength... the same strength that I have fought for and peeled away layers to get to... that strength is what today makes me know that I can make choices I don't want to make and do what I don't want to do. So today I will make believe that I'm brave.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Burn Brightly
"Life is no brief candle to me. It's sort of
a splendid torch which I've got to hold up for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations." - George Bernard Shaw
It's reassuring to me to see these words spoken by someone else... to know that I'm not the only person who lives with an almost compulsive urge to wring every moment out of my life.
I often analyze it... try to decide why I'm out there grabbing at moments when those around me don't even seem to notice the days passing them by. Yes, there are some 'logical' reasons. My dad died rather suddenly when I was 13... he was only 40. I learned at a young age that tomorrow was never a guarantee... and that the moment I was living in was the only one I was truly sure to ever have. My mother lived life with a level of joy and enthusiasm that was certainly contagious... she still lives life that way.
But there's something more... something that drives me... not in a negative way... just a quiet voice reminding me to value each day... to treat those around me with gentleness and kindness... to love deeply... to take risks... to have fun... to go for the dreams. I have been blessed to live a life for the most part free of fear... something that I have generally taken for granted... but as I grow older I realize how rare that truly is.
It merely is... a precious gift that I've been given... and I hope that it never changes.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Blackberry Cake
I am blessed to be one of those people who remember the minutest details about even the most trivial of experiences for an incredible number of years. I'm thankful for that because all of those memories have so many things associated with them... and they remind me to look at other people through different eyes... and hopefully to see what their hearts are feeling regardless of what their actions are saying. I think that this is in some ways an inherent characteristic... but more than that, I think it's a learned habit. My mother taught me to cherish the moment from the time I was a tiny thing. She could turn even the most routine thing into something special... something unforgettable... something full of value and meaning.
I grew up in a small town in Northeast Tennessee. Behind our house... over the fence... there was a pasture where cattle grazed in the summer months... beyond the pasture, a creek bubbled along... and beyond the creek, a hill gently rose. The hill was a mix of so many different worlds... some forest, some grassy field, a pond, wildflowers... and mountains of wild blackberry bushes.
"Wouldn't a blackberry cake taste wonderful today?" Those words would leave my mother's mouth on a morning during blackberry season... and of course, my mouth... and my brother's... would immediately start watering. Before we knew it, we were begging "Mama, can we puhleeeeeeze go pick blackberries?!?" And off we would go... pails in hand... to gather blackberries on the hill. We made up the rules as we went... you were only allowed to eat one blackberry for every five you put into the pail... if your pail got full you had to help the other person fill theirs... and you would never, ever tell Mama that you'd been in the pond!!
We'd come back to the house, the proud bearers of buckets of berries. Mama would immediately herd us to the bathtub... then slather us with lotion to combat the sunburn we'd inevitably managed to pick up. And we'd settle in amid the scents and sounds of first a blackberry cake being made... Mama singing as she mixed... and then the incredible smell as it baked. As it baked, my brother and I would sit with the mixing bowl between us... using our fingers to capture every last drop of the delicious batter... whispering about the frog in the pond... and the cow whose tail we'd teased... and the dead tree we'd hidden secret messages in... treasuring the secrets only the two of us shared.
An entire day of memories built simply because Mama said "Wouldn't a blackberry cake taste wonderful today?" And because Mama was (and still is!!) a very wise woman with a repertoire of brilliant questions like that, there are decades of memories... and memories still being created.
My mother gave me so many things I value... and she still adds to that treasure chest... and the most precious of those things are things that I can't put my hand on. They are the memories... the joys... the love... the sureness that in this world there is someone who cherishes me and believes in the person I have been... and am... and will become.
I love you, Mama
I grew up in a small town in Northeast Tennessee. Behind our house... over the fence... there was a pasture where cattle grazed in the summer months... beyond the pasture, a creek bubbled along... and beyond the creek, a hill gently rose. The hill was a mix of so many different worlds... some forest, some grassy field, a pond, wildflowers... and mountains of wild blackberry bushes.
"Wouldn't a blackberry cake taste wonderful today?" Those words would leave my mother's mouth on a morning during blackberry season... and of course, my mouth... and my brother's... would immediately start watering. Before we knew it, we were begging "Mama, can we puhleeeeeeze go pick blackberries?!?" And off we would go... pails in hand... to gather blackberries on the hill. We made up the rules as we went... you were only allowed to eat one blackberry for every five you put into the pail... if your pail got full you had to help the other person fill theirs... and you would never, ever tell Mama that you'd been in the pond!!
We'd come back to the house, the proud bearers of buckets of berries. Mama would immediately herd us to the bathtub... then slather us with lotion to combat the sunburn we'd inevitably managed to pick up. And we'd settle in amid the scents and sounds of first a blackberry cake being made... Mama singing as she mixed... and then the incredible smell as it baked. As it baked, my brother and I would sit with the mixing bowl between us... using our fingers to capture every last drop of the delicious batter... whispering about the frog in the pond... and the cow whose tail we'd teased... and the dead tree we'd hidden secret messages in... treasuring the secrets only the two of us shared.
An entire day of memories built simply because Mama said "Wouldn't a blackberry cake taste wonderful today?" And because Mama was (and still is!!) a very wise woman with a repertoire of brilliant questions like that, there are decades of memories... and memories still being created.
My mother gave me so many things I value... and she still adds to that treasure chest... and the most precious of those things are things that I can't put my hand on. They are the memories... the joys... the love... the sureness that in this world there is someone who cherishes me and believes in the person I have been... and am... and will become.
I love you, Mama
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