Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Did it begin when I realized that he would someday leave? Did I believe that a farewell of my own orchestration would be less painful or devastating… love sacrificed at the altar of control?
Losing something already surrendered is a moot point... a sword without an edge... a lie.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
I savor the closeness… listening to her melody of words and memories… feeling the tug of my heart calling me to before… before I was supposed to be letting go.
She talks of the boy… reminiscing about how much simpler life was before… before her heart discovered the place where this boy fits and her soul can soar.
I hear the journey in her voice… from this moment of safety here in this place before… before she needed anything that I couldn’t give her… to this place of so much more than she imagined.
She lays her head on my shoulder… her warmth expanding to fill the empty places in the before… before the world became so big and unsettling.
I smile quietly… cherishing the moment… knowing that before… before will never be lost.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
She opens her eyes… and smiles into the sunshine of another day.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The armor abandoned, her eyes slowly lifted to the mirror.
No one was there.
Friday, December 19, 2008
The life-sucking list of herculean tasks to accomplish has obliterated the peace and contentment that should inherently accompany this space of time. I'm ashamed of myself... ashamed of the level of materialism and greed that have ambushed this season in my circle... ashamed that the acquiring has masked the joy of the greatest gift, freely given. I'm ashamed that I've bought into the mindset that says that when December 25th has passed, Christmas will be over.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
"Afraid of being abandoned,I became abandoned."
I've left a trail of dismal choices behind me, along with countless 'should haves'. For years, I've credited blind circumstance for this spinning vortex of failure... always fearing that the next poor choice would leave me spinning out into nowhere and nothing.
Today I can see that it is that very fear which raises its ferocious head and sends me rushing headlong into the nearest appearance of safety. But this safety is more often than not a shimmering mirage...fading to nothing at the merest ripple of the wind.
Friday, October 10, 2008
In choosing a new life in a new environment, I've learned that I'm not quite as unique as I believed myself to be… imagine that! In my 'old' life I was surrounded by people with values and goals that were radically different than mine… a life view that in no way resonated with who I know myself to be.
Faced with a situation that requires me to make new connections… step outside my comfort zone… and build new relationships, I'm finding that there are like-minded people in the world after all. People who believe the same things are important that I do… people whose priorities are similar to mine… people who organize their time around the same things that I value. People with a deep current of something intangible and indefinable that runs through everything they do and governs their choices and attitudes.
I've learned that while I can't have every whim of my heart… I can have the life I want… chock full of the things that I put value on and in. I'm not helpless or dependent or witless or insignificant. I am a woman who has been empowered to reach for the life she wants. I deserve it… and I'm capable of reaching it. My heart doesn't have to struggle with could have been's… or might be's… or that 'meantime living' that I talked about a few days ago.
My life is now… and it's just waiting for me to get on board.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
I know all of the talk of karma and balance and serendipity and all those concepts. I even buy into the general idea. But why must the hurt be there? Why could those options that don’t fit just not be presented? Why is there some cosmic need for loss? Why must even the best of things be accompanied by the grief of those things left behind? Why can the scales not be balanced by an invisible hand… without our having to carry the weight of all of the ‘might have beens’?
There is no choice that doesn’t involve loss…. none.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
I've never had a 'program' for my life. A friend of mine is big on the concept of 'non-negotiables'... there aren't many of those in my life either. I've never had a 'to do list' that I felt like I had to get through. Instead of that list of stuff to accomplish... instead of the checklist to work my way through... I've simply been confident of who I'm supposed to be. And that drives what I am. Such a big difference between 'who' and 'what'. Who I am is that internal compass that guides me every single day... that little voice that points me in the right direction... and provides the confidence when I veer off on the wrong direction. The who I am is the thing that I hold on to... the lead in my quest through life. The 'what' is just the result of allowing the 'who' to be the inner voice that guides the way.
And no matter 'what' I may become in my life... the 'who' that I am will always be there... shedding purpose and intent and light on each step along the path. Everything else is transient and nebulous... only the 'who' is real.
As long as that part of me breathes, I will hope.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
In reading (again) through "The Consequences of Ideas" by R. C. Sproul (from which the above quote is taken) this week, a 'new' word jumped out at me. This is one of those books that I've read over and over again since it was published five years ago... because every time I read it a new nugget appears that I never noticed before.
I've always been a bit enamored of the Stoics. Not totally, because I could never completely buy into a concept without a God... but still enamored of the philosophy to an extent. Sproul's nutshell wrap up of the section in the book says
"The views of the ancient Stoics constitute what we now describe as a stoical attitude toward life, the philosophy of the "stiff upper lip," by which nothing ever rattles us or causes us to despair. When one perfects the practice of imperturbability, the soul remains in a state of tranquil bliss."
I know that the only real peace I can ever achieve comes from a source far greater than myself... and that it is a peace that can't be explained or understood. But I still long for a life of tranquil bliss... and struggle daily with the part of me that gets in the way of that. I long for that state of "imperturbabality".
Monday, October 6, 2008
No we are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
No, we are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
he pushed them,
- Guillaume Apollinaire
What a treasure it is to have those in our lives who will encourage us to the edge... those who will show us how high we can fly. Fear sometimes screams so much louder than faith. Fear drowns out hopes and dreams and security. Fear is not to be nurtured or tolerated. Fear will be there... but courage must be stronger... courage must win. Courage, while it speaks softly, will always drown out the fear when given voice. I'm at the edge... and I'm afraid... but I will fly.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
The Little Prince has always been one of my favorite books. Depending upon the translation, it’s not always the most readable of books… but the truths in it have always screamed for my heart’s attention. It has reminded me of what it means to live from the heart… completely abandoned, unashamed, and vulnerably open.
Too often we lose the hope… we forget that there is always more to discover… about ourselves and the world around us. We forget that there is more to dream about. We forget to fling open the doors of our hearts.
Hope is something that rises up inside us with a gentle strength that requires a response. We either respond to it with our hearts or we try to push it down. Trying to push it down is hopeless… hope is tenacious… hope always finds us. We can either accept its reality… or we can keep slamming the door. We can either open ourselves to the hunger of hope… and the hurt of shattered hopes… or we can continue to battle hope as the enemy. Which is greater… the pain of a hope that wasn’t fulfilled… or the loss of hope itself?
Hope isn’t a peaceful, ordered affair. It is full of chaos, of longing, of wanting, of waiting. Hope is a painful process. There are those who will tell us that a posture of openness and childlike dreaming is utterly ridiculous. They warn us of our impending disappointment. They seldom mention the incredible joy of living a live saturated in hope. They seldom acknowledge that hope nourishes the soul. And they seldom reap the benefits of the overwhelming exhilaration of hope achieved.
I want to be vulnerable, wild, courageous, strong, playful, thirsty, noble, gutsy. I want to have the courage to let hope rule my thoughts. I want to end each day knowing that I lived it with hope and with an open heart.