I’ve lived life wide open … I’ve trusted … I’ve loved … I’ve given. And every time I got the wind knocked out of me, I got up and brushed myself off and started all over again. Determined to live life wide open and not to miss a thing. That’s how I’ve lived. Yes, I’ve made mistakes. But I haven’t regretted it. I’ve been hurt from time to time but I’ve become a better person for it all. And I’ve had the joy of experiencing things that I would have missed otherwise.
This time I gave more … and I trusted more. I trusted completely. I believed it was safe for me to be totally and completely who I am… no holds barred … no walls… no defenses. Not to the point of putting aside wisdom and reality … and not to the point of being entirely fearless about it … but to a point farther than I had ever gone in my life. This time I cared more than I had ever cared before … perhaps because that incredible amount of trust was there … perhaps because I felt a ‘something’ that I had never felt before … perhaps because I could be so completely me … perhaps because I was foolish.
And this time I learned a bigger lesson. I learned that giving away that kind of trust is foolish. I learned that no matter what the jackpot could have been, nothing will ever be worth that kind of risk again. And I will never open myself up to this kind of hurt again. There is a strong and good and wise and powerful person in me … and if avoiding this kind of pain means that I live with only that person for the rest of my life, then so be it. If it means that I settle for less in order to protect myself, then so be it. If it means that I never feel that kind of love again, then so be it. I still have no regrets ... but the cost is far too high to risk again. To do so would leave nothing except regret.