Tuesday, August 11, 2009

This Time

I’ve lived life wide open … I’ve trusted … I’ve loved … I’ve given. And every time I got the wind knocked out of me, I got up and brushed myself off and started all over again. Determined to live life wide open and not to miss a thing. That’s how I’ve lived. Yes, I’ve made mistakes. But I haven’t regretted it. I’ve been hurt from time to time but I’ve become a better person for it all. And I’ve had the joy of experiencing things that I would have missed otherwise.

This time I gave more … and I trusted more. I trusted completely. I believed it was safe for me to be totally and completely who I am… no holds barred … no walls… no defenses. Not to the point of putting aside wisdom and reality … and not to the point of being entirely fearless about it … but to a point farther than I had ever gone in my life. This time I cared more than I had ever cared before … perhaps because that incredible amount of trust was there … perhaps because I felt a ‘something’ that I had never felt before … perhaps because I could be so completely me … perhaps because I was foolish.

And this time I learned a bigger lesson. I learned that giving away that kind of trust is foolish. I learned that no matter what the jackpot could have been, nothing will ever be worth that kind of risk again. And I will never open myself up to this kind of hurt again. There is a strong and good and wise and powerful person in me … and if avoiding this kind of pain means that I live with only that person for the rest of my life, then so be it. If it means that I settle for less in order to protect myself, then so be it. If it means that I never feel that kind of love again, then so be it. I still have no regrets ... but the cost is far too high to risk again. To do so would leave nothing except regret.


Scarlett Rose said...

I guess that the good thing that has come out of all this business is the fact that you've learnt more about yourself - who you are, what you are capable of, what you can handle.

"...perhaps because I was foolish."

Can you scratch that? Can you get that thought out of your head, can you not think that? It's untrue, okay?

I think it is extremely important to find the "right" balance of trust - not trusting too much so that your heart gets broken, and not distrusting so much that you can never be reminded of how magnificent it is to confide in someone.

Sorry Tess, I do seem to to be rambling a rather lot but obviously I wanted to respond to this post.

Love, me xo

P.S - You write beautifully by the way :)

CatrinkaS said...

I think I don't agree with your premise that you won't do this again - I hope you do, and I hope it works. I am not sure what holding back gets anyone. Authentic living & loving leaves all sorts of wounds, some that don't quite heal right - but it also gives you more room to just be.

You are good. And I hope you get the chance to forget yourself, and your rational, injured statements of conviction - and be foolish again. In a good way.

Love and good thoughts your direction.

Cat said...

Ouch Tess. I want to wrap my arms around you after reading this one.

there is nothing foolish in being open and in trusting, just determine the boundaries based on the subject matter better. Additionally this life that has you opening up , falling, dusting off and getting up to do it all over again, it is a process of ups and downs and of learning in those moments. Do not cut off your nose to spite your face my dear friend, because some of us believe that your nose is a fair and rare gem.

Kevin Michaels said...

I'm a little late to this post and the blog itself (actually found you in search of Adam's rants against the world).....but from my POV there's nothing wrong with being foolish or throwing yourself headlong into love/relationship.

Love is all about that risk - that fear of the unknown - that moment when you let down your guard just enough to let someone else see inside the walls. I have spent a lifetime building the same kind of walls - steeling myself and parts of me from others - never letting them see what's truly inside, but those times when I've closed my eyes and thrown myself into the fire (knowing that the chances of being burned were great) have created the greatest rush of emotion I ever felt. Even knowing the pain, knowing the hurt that can come, remembering the anger and emotion, I would still do it again just to experience the power of what comes back to you.

I for one hope you do it again and allow yourself to be foolish.

Best thoughts to you always-