Love Sacrificed

Is this woman who loves so shallowly the woman I have become… content to love just a bit… to give unconditionally as long as it has no power to disrupt my world? When did the boundaries go up… these walls that mute the heart song and tamp down the thundering love that once lived here? When did the fear of destruction overwhelm the fear of living in fear?

Did it begin when I realized that he would someday leave? Did I believe that a farewell of my own orchestration would be less painful or devastating… love sacrificed at the altar of control?

Losing something already surrendered is a moot point... a sword without an edge... a lie.

Before

She sits curled against me… this child who looks so much the woman… talking about snuggle time and how it used to be before… before she was supposed to be such an adult.

I savor the closeness… listening to her melody of words and memories… feeling the tug of my heart calling me to before… before I was supposed to be letting go.

She talks of the boy… reminiscing about how much simpler life was before… before her heart discovered the place where this boy fits and her soul can soar.

I hear the journey in her voice… from this moment of safety here in this place before… before she needed anything that I couldn’t give her… to this place of so much more than she imagined.

She lays her head on my shoulder… her warmth expanding to fill the empty places in the before… before the world became so big and unsettling.

I smile quietly… cherishing the moment… knowing that before… before will never be lost.

Sunshine

She feels the sunshine on her face. The warmth had called her from sleep. She pretends to still sleep, savoring the moment before the questions begin their march. Eyes held tightly closed, she imagines what it would be to live with this darkness forever… to feel the sunshine but never be bathed in its light… to never see the dancing of fireflies or the pink of cotton candy or the green of jade. This has been the fear the diagnosis brought… of all the possibilities the words multiple sclerosis thrust upon her… this loss of color was the one that consumed her days… that sent her manically collecting rainbows and absorbing sunsets, harvesting for the days of darkness.

She opens her eyes… and smiles into the sunshine of another day.

Six Sentences

Debut at Six Sentences today.... doing a happy dance!!

Find me and more about Six Sentences here...

Armor Abandoned

One by one, fingers removed the teardrop earrings, their sparkle catching the light as she laid them on the marble top of the dressing table… hands slipped to the nape of her neck, unclasping the pearls warmed by the touch of her skin. Slowly the pins were pulled from the classic updo that had whispered just the right note of elegance and shimmering hair fell to her shoulders. She stood, allowing the simple black sheath to slip silently to the floor…the mask she had hidden behind for this evening now a lifeless shadow. All these touches to manufacture the façade that they… all of them… expected from her.

The armor abandoned, her eyes slowly lifted to the mirror.

No one was there.

Linus Tells the Christmas Story

Adornments

As I wandered through my house this morning, looking at the beautiful decorations... the carefully decorated trees... the wreaths on doors and walls... the shimmering snowflakes hanging in windows... beautifully set dining room table... I was struck by how absolutely we... and I'm talking we as in my family and the royal 'we' as a society... have abandoned the true meaning of the season. Yes, I have an exquisite Italian nativity... but little thought goes into the meaning of each piece as they are carefully positioned in the most aesthetically pleasing arrangement. The infant...angled to best catch the flickering candlelight... has become merely an adornment.

The life-sucking list of herculean tasks to accomplish has obliterated the peace and contentment that should inherently accompany this space of time. I'm ashamed of myself... ashamed of the level of materialism and greed that have ambushed this season in my circle... ashamed that the acquiring has masked the joy of the greatest gift, freely given. I'm ashamed that I've bought into the mindset that says that when December 25th has passed, Christmas will be over.

My Little Girl

My little girl.... well, once she was little... now she's just smart and funny and brave and beautiful!!

Fear

"Afraid of being abandoned,I became abandoned."

I've left a trail of dismal choices behind me, along with countless 'should haves'. For years, I've credited blind circumstance for this spinning vortex of failure... always fearing that the next poor choice would leave me spinning out into nowhere and nothing.

Today I can see that it is that very fear which raises its ferocious head and sends me rushing headlong into the nearest appearance of safety. But this safety is more often than not a shimmering mirage...fading to nothing at the merest ripple of the wind.

The Giving Tree

YouTube Peeks

I use the blog at MySpace to post videos from YouTube that I find meaningful or relevant. You can see them here.

New Beginnings

New beginnings are such amazing things. So often we become so complacent with where we are that we allow ourselves to surrender much of who we are. A new slate with dozens of blank spaces to be filled offers so much opportunity for restoring our souls. The tendency is most likely to merely fill in the blanks with the first thing that shows up… to duplicate the old… to stay with the familiar. And how much is lost if we succumb to that temptation.

In choosing a new life in a new environment, I've learned that I'm not quite as unique as I believed myself to be… imagine that! In my 'old' life I was surrounded by people with values and goals that were radically different than mine… a life view that in no way resonated with who I know myself to be.
Faced with a situation that requires me to make new connections… step outside my comfort zone… and build new relationships, I'm finding that there are like-minded people in the world after all. People who believe the same things are important that I do… people whose priorities are similar to mine… people who organize their time around the same things that I value. People with a deep current of something intangible and indefinable that runs through everything they do and governs their choices and attitudes.

I've learned that while I can't have every whim of my heart… I can have the life I want… chock full of the things that I put value on and in. I'm not helpless or dependent or witless or insignificant. I am a woman who has been empowered to reach for the life she wants. I deserve it… and I'm capable of reaching it. My heart doesn't have to struggle with could have been's… or might be's… or that 'meantime living' that I talked about a few days ago.

My life is now… and it's just waiting for me to get on board.

Loss

Yes, you can have too much of a good thing. Sometimes there are so many good choices that they just won’t all fit into one life. The choosing of one thing by default means the sacrifice of another. All of the options are valuable and worthy and positive by nature… but totally incompatible with one another. And any of the choices means that a life is lived out to its completion without the presence of those sacrificed.

I know all of the talk of karma and balance and serendipity and all those concepts. I even buy into the general idea. But why must the hurt be there? Why could those options that don’t fit just not be presented? Why is there some cosmic need for loss? Why must even the best of things be accompanied by the grief of those things left behind? Why can the scales not be balanced by an invisible hand… without our having to carry the weight of all of the ‘might have beens’?

There is no choice that doesn’t involve loss…. none.

Who and What

Today, while searching for something else, I came across the mountains of paper from my genealogy project.... and was reminded of the creed of my maternal heritage. The motto on the coat of arms for my maternal family is "Cruce dum spero fido"... which loosely translated means "As long as I breathe, I will hope". I remember when I first discovered the coat of arms and it's symbolism and motto... and how it just meshed with who I am.

I've never had a 'program' for my life. A friend of mine is big on the concept of 'non-negotiables'... there aren't many of those in my life either. I've never had a 'to do list' that I felt like I had to get through. Instead of that list of stuff to accomplish... instead of the checklist to work my way through... I've simply been confident of who I'm supposed to be. And that drives what I am. Such a big difference between 'who' and 'what'. Who I am is that internal compass that guides me every single day... that little voice that points me in the right direction... and provides the confidence when I veer off on the wrong direction. The who I am is the thing that I hold on to... the lead in my quest through life. The 'what' is just the result of allowing the 'who' to be the inner voice that guides the way.

And no matter 'what' I may become in my life... the 'who' that I am will always be there... shedding purpose and intent and light on each step along the path. Everything else is transient and nebulous... only the 'who' is real.
As long as that part of me breathes, I will hope.

Imperturbability

"Stoics sought (peace of mind and tranquility of the soul) through practicing "imperturbability," the acceptance of one's lot with serenity and courage."

In reading (again) through "The Consequences of Ideas" by R. C. Sproul (from which the above quote is taken) this week, a 'new' word jumped out at me. This is one of those books that I've read over and over again since it was published five years ago... because every time I read it a new nugget appears that I never noticed before.

I've always been a bit enamored of the Stoics. Not totally, because I could never completely buy into a concept without a God... but still enamored of the philosophy to an extent. Sproul's nutshell wrap up of the section in the book says

"The views of the ancient Stoics constitute what we now describe as a stoical attitude toward life, the philosophy of the "stiff upper lip," by which nothing ever rattles us or causes us to despair. When one perfects the practice of imperturbability, the soul remains in a state of tranquil bliss."

I know that the only real peace I can ever achieve comes from a source far greater than myself... and that it is a peace that can't be explained or understood. But I still long for a life of tranquil bliss... and struggle daily with the part of me that gets in the way of that. I long for that state of "imperturbabality".

The Edge

"Come to the edge, he said
No we are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
No, we are afraid.
Come to the edge, he said.
They came,
he pushed them,
they flew.
- Guillaume Apollinaire

What a treasure it is to have those in our lives who will encourage us to the edge... those who will show us how high we can fly. Fear sometimes screams so much louder than faith. Fear drowns out hopes and dreams and security. Fear is not to be nurtured or tolerated. Fear will be there... but courage must be stronger... courage must win. Courage, while it speaks softly, will always drown out the fear when given voice. I'm at the edge... and I'm afraid... but I will fly.

Hope

“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly,

what is most important is invisible to the eye.”

- Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

The Little Prince has always been one of my favorite books. Depending upon the translation, it’s not always the most readable of books… but the truths in it have always screamed for my heart’s attention. It has reminded me of what it means to live from the heart… completely abandoned, unashamed, and vulnerably open.

Too often we lose the hope… we forget that there is always more to discover… about ourselves and the world around us. We forget that there is more to dream about. We forget to fling open the doors of our hearts.

Hope is something that rises up inside us with a gentle strength that requires a response. We either respond to it with our hearts or we try to push it down. Trying to push it down is hopeless… hope is tenacious… hope always finds us. We can either accept its reality… or we can keep slamming the door. We can either open ourselves to the hunger of hope… and the hurt of shattered hopes… or we can continue to battle hope as the enemy. Which is greater… the pain of a hope that wasn’t fulfilled… or the loss of hope itself?

Hope isn’t a peaceful, ordered affair. It is full of chaos, of longing, of wanting, of waiting. Hope is a painful process. There are those who will tell us that a posture of openness and childlike dreaming is utterly ridiculous. They warn us of our impending disappointment. They seldom mention the incredible joy of living a live saturated in hope. They seldom acknowledge that hope nourishes the soul. And they seldom reap the benefits of the overwhelming exhilaration of hope achieved.

I want to be vulnerable, wild, courageous, strong, playful, thirsty, noble, gutsy. I want to have the courage to let hope rule my thoughts. I want to end each day knowing that I lived it with hope and with an open heart.

Dream

Out of Excuses

Hmmmm.... well... now to start blogging... no excuse not to write now, huh?